Living life in the shadows....
I can´t help how I feel right now, I feel trapped, I feel like I don´t belong in this anymore... Like I wrote before, I´m a ballon waiting to pop, a car waiting to crash and a sour milk waiting to get thrown away... I´ve stopt pretending and I stopt wishing for better things to come.. I do need space to get away, to try my own thing but I can´t I´m stuck in the middle... I miss the life I use to live, the life I use to have, the life I deserve......
I start to wonder if I deserve happiness or maybe I have to be like this forever? Can I take another fucking day of this?
I´m not being a child but I´m becoming sick of this... Maybe this Swedish life isn´t for me anymore? Or maybe this town is wrong? Not sure, all I know I need to do something soon or I can´t take it anymore... Oh Fuck it!!!
Happiness? HA, fuck happiness....
Happy Birthday to myself!
I was actually expecting a crappy shitty birthday morning. But woke up at around 9-ish.. feelt great, started to watch a movie (a swedish one called Rallybrudarna) it seams good.. haven´t finished it because my brother came and wanted to see Midsummer and as a good hearted sister we watched it togheter...
Then I´ve been making a Peace background for my new computer, looks kinda crappy but hey... it was a bit fun at least...
I have had 3 calls this morning, 1 from my grandparents who always playes a cute little melody box and then wishes happy Birthday!=) Then my parents 2, they sang the first time and then my mom called me back later..=) They feel bad they aren´t here, so I can play that card later on...hehe...
Well gotten 7 text messages about birthday wishes, and 9 facebook comments! Since when did I become that popular?=D haha...
Well invited some people over for cake today; made 2 in case more people turns up... We will at least be 7 or 8 with me.. and maybe 2 more might be coming..=)
But a birthday with out parents are weird, and the same without any kind of presents.. Oh well turning 21 is not too much thrill because I have to travel to the states to get some value of the years I´ve now got... =) Drinking age there darlings!=)
haha, makes me sound like a party chick huh;)?
But I´ve been promised to party like a Rockstar or a 21 year old looking for some fun.... Who would like to join us?=)
So gotta tell you fast about yeasterday, my brother called me at 12 at night wanting me to pick him up.. So got out of bed and picked him up.. He was a bit tipsy or really drunk..=P Whatever, but he is nicer now to me than he has ever been.. So I guess that is great I picked him up;) hehe.....=P
Well got some fun cleaning to do before my guessts starts to show up!=)
Love, Peace and Happiness!
3 doors down in my heart!
"Theres a difference in spending time with me and killing time while I´m there.... Too many people and too many things and it makes me feel like hell...." (3 Doors Down - Right where I belong)
"Look what you did, is this who you wanted me to be. It´s not me....." (3 Doors Down - It´s not me)
"I´m trying to be somebody, I´m not trying to somebody else....." (3 Doors Down - Be somebody)
Skön cover;
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yu34GB83ngo&feature=related
This songs brings me up when I´m down, and down when I´m up... There is a reason to why I started to lisen to them again, I recognize myself in the lyrics and they make me feel complete... Is that weird? Yeah, but what isn´t?
Sometimes I feel like I´m drawn down to earth and sometimes I´m reaching for the stars.. It´s so hard being a person who feels like she dosen´t belong anywhere... Like a piece of me is gone.. But problems I´m facing is that I don´t know how to find them or when I lost them,.... Reading this you might think Im depressed? But actually I´m not, we can´t be sad over something we lost a while ago but be happy of what we have and what we will get... I do love life and I´m enjoying the most days but somedays I feel like jumping of a bridge... Truthfully? If I haven´t done it yet I woulden´t worry too much..=P
I´m getting excited about letting a new person enter my life.. I hope it happends soon and that this person can help completing me like no one else have succeded with... Wouldn´t it be my time yet?
Soo not sure about the plans for tonight... please help me decide!
Love, peace and freaking happiness!;)
"ballon waiting to pop"
Anyways, life could not be more perfect or less perfect.. It´s okey and so am I...(I guess?)
Have a few free days now, and then I will be working a few hours on friday..=) Hopefully celebrating my B-day this weekend;) But you never know..=P I hope people could surprise me with some fun drinks or something:d haha.. But don´t have anybody who would do that for me.. If it´s good or bad, hm... not sure?
Soon 2 of my babes will be here and I will become taken care of! I miss and I love both of them so much... So glad to have them back by my side!=)
And I´m thinking about getting a new tattoo or a new piercing... What you guys think?=)
Loving LIFE!=)
Kiss & Peace!
Glädje, sån jävla glädje!
Now I´m chilling and getting some energy before I will be going again! =)
This day is soo great, I feel the sad thoughts and the calories go away!=) lets see the day in brighter colors..=)
Love life, it won´t ever do a re-run...
Peace Out!
no lo se
Hey darlings!
I´m great today, I just don´t feel like working on this beautiful day.. Will see if they will let me go swiming with one of the people living where I work.. I´ll bring my bikini..;) I bought a green one, haha shocker huh;)? Love it!
Then I´ve gotten 2 wonderful au-pair jobs showing up; one in LA and the other one in Florida... I hate that it´s so difficult to decide, I´m soon giving up on the Madrid dreams... Cause I can´t find a work there and in the states I get like 3 offers everyday... Shoot!
My room looks okey cause I have to have it like that... Mom and dad will have some friends over until Sunday or Saturday I think... Oh, they might be bringing there dog!=) That would be sweet!=) Tomorrow is my freeday and I´ll be swiming if I can;)
So jealous at my Madridian friend who is going to go to the beach... he told me I should come, I was like YEAH, Dude! I´d love it! But I have fucking responsibilities in Sweden, otherwise I would be gone;P haha...
No I´m writing to much shit now so will just be calling it a day huh..=) Working quite normal hours today 12:00-19:00..=)
LOVE, Peace, Happiness and dreams!=)
....Dog bitten...
Yesterday was an interesting day, I went out for a walk and I got bitten by a mad dog.. I really didn´t do anything to upset him or her (not sure)... I was just walking when the tiny little shit bit me on my legg... I was like "What the fuck?" Looked at the owner and keept walking cause I had my musik on... After a while I looked down on my legg and I saw a big bluemark and some blood! Oh, fuck I thought.. Keept walking, just anoyed untill it really started to hurt... I keept walking, hearing the voice in my head saying;
"Your fucking dog bit me, if I ever see him/her without a leash I will report the biting to the police just to see what they think you should do with the dog..."
I´m not being stupid or anything, but a dog who bits people without being threaten should not be around people or be put-down... Don´t get me wrong, I love dogs.. If I could I would have a few right now... Maybe that´s why I´m not too up-set, because I know most dogs are amazing animals but this one is a hatefull-little shit!!! haha.. no not up-set just super annoyed with the owners.. If you can´t get a dog to like people, then you should not have a dog...
Just to scare the shit out of me I saw a snake, a tinybaby snake that I took a stick and helped it over the road... It feelt good..=) I don´t mind snakes, but they always scare me when I´m not expecting to see them...Probobly seen about 7 in my life...=)
Today I´ll be chilling and talking to the owners and then packing for tomorrows 12 hours of work...
Live, Love and adore life....
Peace out!
Randomness.......
I came to realize that I miss my life in Madrid a lot! It´s so werid not having the chance to go out, meeting new people, dance and drink when ever you feel like it... I´m young so that should be a part of my life, but right now it´s not... It feels like I´m always working or relaxing so I can work more... Is this really the life I should be expecting through out the summer?=S
No I should not complain! It´s just some things have changed to the worse (I guess) since I went away last agust... It dosen´t feel like I belong in the same way here anymore... I can´t bare the changes, and maybe it´s the same for the others...? I don´t know... all I know is I will always miss some places no mather where I am or what I do.... In Spain I missed Sweden, in Sweden I miss Spain... Oh Fuck where should I go?
Today it hit me; maybe this feeling/thought will change and maybe it´s rude to write it here but I have to get it out... I´m was thinking of going to Umeå for school in a few years when I´m done traveling.... But today I just feelt like I really don´t want to... I need to start again in another town I think... Maybe in the south of Sweden? =) I get tired, bored and whatever you wanna call it if I stay with the same people or places too long... Is that sad? Maybe it´s just a face? Maybe it´s the kind of life I will get myself adicted to? God knows?
"Just give me the song, and I´ll sing it like I mean it.... Give me the words and I´ll say them like mean them...."
http://www.yopa.se/uploaded/image/2006/10/17/Ensam_pa_toppen_webb.jpg
Peace symbol....
I went to the city of Umeå in the north part of Sweden... I went for shopping and relaxing on a mother-daughter trip. We used my brothers apartment to sleep in and then we shopped till we droped...=) We had an amazing few days despite the crappy rainy weather... But it´s a nice town and maybe I will go up there to studie when that day arrives...=)
I talked to one of my friends and I told him about my obsession with the symbol of peace. I was so excited when I had bought a pair of panties with the symbol... He asked me why it was so important with this symbol and I had to think.. After a few min I told him;
At first I just bought a few random things in the states. Then living with my hostsister Jill changed me to the better and I came to realize that the symbol of peace was also a symbol of me..=)
Then I went to Sweden, changed style and became a better me (or at least thinner -10kg).... I was proud over who I was and decided to get a tattoo to show the world I was a more confident and secure Moa. I got a butterfly and a peace symbol. Mostly because I wrote a poem once about being in peace with myself and flying against new targets and adventues.
I went to Madrid and I realised again, I´m pretty fucking amazing! I guess I never got the chance to really prove that to everybody in Sweden, but in Madrid they were open for a happy, loving, blond Swedish girl and I had the time of my life. The tattoo has increased its value for me; For awhile it was just like a normal tattoo, but now it is the symbol of who I am... And who I will always be....
Right now I´m not the best I can be.. But I will soon be once more...! I will son be once more!!
PEACE; PAZ; FRED!
http://api.ning.com/files/rntMMRQKOHEMv2hH1WFilAOqLsbFzkAhcSSe*idyK0lW5AQbTYpBG2hhYnzyswmcuPGstFaR6WG4zqvmyqr*bhYWfjyHqaFY/Peace.jpg
Hm......
Let´s stand up for ourselves... We are all amazing.. and yes I do love this picture...=P haha...
Well still pain in my back but I´m living anyways.. Working my ass off aswell... Tomorrow will be my first night shift and I´ve had a 12 hour long shit the other day... If I was tired? What the fuck do you think?=P Living everyday like I should and enjoying almost every moment... I guess we can´t enjoy some...
I talked to one of my work friends today; she was wondering how it was to be a au-pair and living in The US or in Spain.. I told her my thoughts on both... I think I prefer US, mostly because they have a way of life I can relate more to... Spain is nice as well but they are a bit more different.. I still loved it! She asked me if I had bad moments with my life over there... I answerd honestly; OF COURSE! I don´t think we can ever get away from having bad moments or days... It´s a part of life... One day we love everything and the next we might get bugged with anything... Like for exampel... "I´m a morning person, BUT, I do not like people to bugg me in early mornings cause I often get extreamly annoyed.. " One day I can tell my parents to be quiet just because of a morning question, other days I´m fine with it... We are all different and we all have bad and good days.. If anybody tells you a diffrent thing, they are not telling the truth....
Now I´m off to bed cause I have a night Shift tomorrow!
Live to the extream and live in peace....
Love, Happiness and Peace out!
