Fjarilen I Peace

I feel good in myself today, I believe in myself today, and I can't stop living for today!

Unfortunately I'm sick; so my nose drips, my eyes are watery, but the spirit is up!

I was talking to my friend yesterday and he told me I'm good enough as I am. I told him;

•-         But I'm fat now!

•-         Says who?

•-         Well me, and all the people with eyes.

•-         Moa, you are an amazing person. You just have to believe in yourself.

•-         It's hard!

•-         I know. I wish I could help you more, but this is a problem you need to fix yourself.

•-         Oh, man you suck...=P

•-         Haha... I still love you Moa...

•-         I know, I love you too my friend...

He gave me a little hope and questioned me about things I haven't really thought about. He asked me if anybody pointed out that I was "fat"? That I wasn't good enough? That I wasn't worthy life? Etc...

I started thinking and realized NO, nobody has said anything. Nobody has even said a negative thing about me in Spain. Sure people have thought it, but nobody pointed it out. All of this thinking leads me to think that I'm actually good enough... I'm actually perfect in the skin I'm in... I guess the eating disorder I might be suffering from is the felon in this drama. It makes me feel like I should hide, like I should die, like I'm not worthy love... But the disorder can bite me, Now I'm ready for a new day in a new sunlight... It wont be easy fighting out of this BUT I will make it....

I am perfect in the skin I'm in.... Just perfect in the skin I´m in....

Life is the world's greatest mystery. Are we all created out of accident or a greater power we can not seam to understand? We all choose to look at our own lives in different ways. We see what we choose to see and we face the question we choose to face.

My life is all about writing; poetry, stories, songs etc. Beautiful written words mixed with sweat and tears from my own life. The life I live can also be compared to a painting, made of a painter. They mix motives, colours and abstract things. I use words, sentences and feelings. All of us reach out to the world in different ways but we are all equals. We all have a message to spread out and we all do it in our own way. It's not a question of whom does it the best, but how we chose to make a difference in the way we can.

I can't make anybody less confused, unless they chose to become less confused. And I can't make anybody happier unless they chose to become happier...  You see all I can do is live my life and if anybody comes along to chare it with me then they are more then welcome...

Now I only live for me, and if you would tell me I live my life wrong then you should find the door out of my life... I don't need anybody to tell me how to live or what to do... I only live for me, and I'm happy to live this way...

Today I'm a princess, the main character in my own life...

I have had one of the crapyest days this day today... If you wonder why it´s because of a thing from my past.... A person I should be over, A person I should not be thinking about and a person I know is trubble... I was almost over him but then he send me that dumb thing and I got myself sent back to the fantasy... I hate the fantasy, it´s to jolly and I know it wont ever come true... It´s like you have this sickness that keeps hitting you down in weak moments... make you feel warm, sad, hat, love, tears, joy, yeah just everything... makes you confused and then you feel like jumping of the bridge... Or stand infront of the train or just take a knife and cutt it into your skin....Make it fast, but painfull..... No I won´t kill myself, don´t wory... I´ll live, I´ll smile eventhough my inside is messed-up.. I´ll smile but I´m not happy, I cry but without tears and I laugh without happiness.... Oh, fuck I promised myself he couldn´t make me feel like this again....

I will be loved and I will be happy.... But just not today.......

Love, Peace and Hippie love....Man, dude and pal....

//Moa the not to happy hamster.....

• Din mest utmärkande personlighetstyp = Diplomat
• Din näst mest utmärkande personlighetstyp = Äventyrare

Hola, Buenos dias!

Okey, I gotta admitt doing better is harder than I thought.. This will take time and energy... Shit, shit, shit.... How could I even put myself in this mess? Stupid stupid me....

Well I gotta fight and figure out why I got myself in this mess at all... I deserv better.. SO FROM TODAY ON!

Sticks and stones can hurt my bones,
 But words will no longer hurt me...

I think some of this problems that I´m facing is because I have this thing about hating myself... I don´t detest me anymore but I can´t say I like me... I mean there is a difference... Now you probobly wonder what shit I´m talking about but here is the deal...

When I stand in the metro and see myself in the mirror all I wanna do is cry... I look away, my eyes keep ging back to stare at my body and for everytime it makes me wanna eat more... make me more disgusting, make me more uggly.... It dosen´t make sence, I know, but in this sickness all you do is eat... I eat cause I´m bored, happy, sad... you name it.... Today I did better... a little better but still it´s far away from normal... Oh fuck, I just wanna go back to whom I was this summer! This summer I looked so amazing! I wasn´t skinny nor fat, I was just perfect in my eyes.... So it´s a new day from now on and I will be healty once more! I will, I will, I will...

Why will I be healty again?

Cause I can, Cause I want to and cause I will succed! I will succed at last!

Moa the happy hamster has left the building! And yeah need another day of the sprinkler;) Jippi!

Okey okey, I´ve come to realize nothing becomes better if we only sitt around and bitch about it. We need to do stuff as well! So I´ve started today; I didn´t have a perfect morning BUT I´ve chosen to look at it as a pretty good start though. I can´t expect me to do excellency from the first day, Can I? It will be aventually..=) Being positive is where the focus in my life should be as well!=) 

The negative person says; It can´t become any worse than this!
The positive person answers: Oh, blooody yes it can!;)
 
So Moa the happy hamster is of to live the life she deserves...=) Starting today and continuing tomorrow!

I did something I´ve been dying to do for a long time here in Spain today, haha... I´m such a kid in my heart! I took a walk like I used to last summer, with that I mean jumping/dancing and singing a little. Was a man behind me I discovered after a few spining cirkles;) haha.... Free entertainment!
          When I walked by the water sprinkler, I didn´t just walk by it.. I walked in it!:D haha... OMG it was amazing! I loved it!=) Wet pants, shirts and face! But I would without a doubt do it again and again! Let´s live a fun life, dosen´t have to make sence for anybody but yourself....;) Just freaking love the life you are in!=)

 Miss being a kid.....<3

Wally 'Famous' Amos
US cookie businessman (1936 - )


So go out, Capture the day! You only live once so you might as well enjoy it!=)

Love, Peace and Butterflies man!

//The Happy hamster....<3

Let´s start from thursday, cause I haven´t been writing since then I think?

Thursday was a normal day in my Spanish home. I'm starting to think about everything in a, "it's soon coming to an end" way. It bugs me; I should be enjoying my last time here more and never be thinking this will be the last time I do this or that... I'm not dying and there is a possibility I might come back one day...

Anyways, picked up Guille from hockey class and went home. Had a chilled night with the family and no going out which was good cause I was freaking tired!

Friday; Woke up at around 8-ish up and watched some tv with Guille. Then all family were having a good old time the rest of the day; out to the park, played basketball, watch a movie, their cousin was here for a little and just a nice day.=) Went to bed at about 22:30 (10:30 pm).

Saturday; Like any other Saturday we chilled and had a nice time. Played with the kids, they were baking and I was writing a few things. Gemma´s B-day so was a little more special than other Saturdays but not too much. We eat good Madridian lunch and for dinner we had burgers (hamburguesas) at McDonalds...=) Then we got home, changed a little clothes and went out with Aisling! An amazing Irish girl, gotta tell you I'm so happy I've meet her! We had a few drinks, talked to some random people and just danced the night away!=) Freaking awesome!=)

Came home Sunday at 7:40 (I was glad nobody was awake so I went to bed). Slept 1, 30 hours and was dead the rest of the day kinda. I still played with the kids, didn't fall asleep and went to the park to hang with Dave. It's so easy talking to him; it reminds me of actually being in the states. He is a little more complicated than I'm used to in a guy but that just makes our friendship more interesting. We talked about some philosophy questions and were just chillin in the warm sun.

"I knew you were different from the first moment I saw you. You had a spark in your eye I haven't see in anyone before. It was strange admitting that talking to you gave me something in return. You gave me a reason to question who I am and why I've been giving myself crap for so long. I started to think in a different way thanks to you. I want to give you a rose for the last two weeks. In a way you make me feel like it´s possible to fight and try to reach out from the dark tunnel and into the light. Thank you for being such a great friend...."

Yesterday a cold/allergy thing started to come to me and I've been feeling kinda crapy. I have a runny nose, my throat hurts and I just feel like doing nothing. Had a fall back on my eating problems this morning too, I hate when that happens! But I talked to Eve, and it made it feel a bit better. Took a 1,20min (9000 steps) walk and after that I feel better inside at least. Took a warm Cola-Cow and now I'm just chilling and trying to feel better.

Hayly called me like 5 seconds ago, asking me if I wanted go out for lunch.. But I really need to save money and don't feel like going anywhere looking or feeling like this. Today I will, if I have the energy, hit the library and the other park for a chilling out in the sun.   

Well I think that will be all for today!=)

Love You Guys and Missing America So Much!

// The butterfly in peace....<3

Life is the world's greatest mysteries. Are we all created out of accident or a greater power we can not seam to understand? We all choose to look at our own life's with and thoughts in different ways. We see what we choose to see and we face the question of we life we choose to face.

My life is all about writing, poetry, stories, songs etc. Beautiful written words mixed with sweat and tears from my life. The life I live can also be compared to a painting, made of a talented painter. They mix motives, colours and abstract things. I use words, sentences and  feelings. All of us reach out to the world in different ways but we are all equals in our ways. We all have a message to send and we all do it in the way we know.

To be continued.......